I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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