My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
