You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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