he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
