Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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