dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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