If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
