My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
