Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
