I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I need a hoe opinion
go on
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
