my sisters under your porch take her home
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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