Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
