are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
should my penis look like a turkey
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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