apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
