I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
