I can't breathe out the right side of my face
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
