How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
