well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
