Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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