I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
