I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
