i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
So many bounce houses so little time
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
