My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
