I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
