I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
