I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
