just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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