Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
