worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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