I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
