dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
