I want to walk on stilts...naked
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize