you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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