Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
