I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
