I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
