When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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