Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
