Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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