Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
