mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
