Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I have already put on my inside pants.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
