God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
