I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
