i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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