theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
