You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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