her vagine was all disorganized.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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