Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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