you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
