he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
