how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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